Democracy is, on balance, a wonderful thing. It generally prevents abuses of power, moral turpitude and George Galloway running the country. It lets us live and let live. But that very freedom comes with a catch and it goes by the name of Taste.
These five cars are standard bearers for freedom. They’re also a powerful argument for bringing back Stalin. As our own little contribution to the Halloween vibe, here are our 5 Halloween Horrors.
1. BMW 635
The BMW 635 is perhaps the Germany marque’s last subtly designed car. Delicate and understated, it is an exercise in minimalism. This particular ‘re-imagined’ 635 isn’t. It’s also white, in a way that only Persil scientists would relish.
2. I Am Auto DeLorean
Set against solving world hunger, the Syrian crisis and Brexit, ‘improving’ the original DeLorean doesn’t exactly feel like a priority. Yet willfully quirky Will.I.Am clearly felt the need, foisting this bug-eyed monstrosity on a bewildered world. Frustratingly it’s part of his I Am Auto car company, suggesting there is more to come.
3. Stutz Blackhawk
America is the world’s greatest democracy. If proof were needed that democracy ain’t all it’s cracked up to be, here’s the Stutz Blackhawk. It could be made so it was made. Nobody was sent to Siberia, although looking at it you may wish they had been. Because the Stutz takes ‘eclectic’ as a design ethos, combining a collection of ideas to create a visual mess on wheels.
4. Loewy E Type
Raymond Loewy was the father of modern design, penning the Coke bottle, Greyhound bus, Shell logo and Le Creuset posh cooking pots. And this monstrosity. Like Will.I.Am Ray decided to ‘improve’ a car that many already agreed was perfect, the Jaguar E Type. The result was a bulbous-nosed mish-mash of ideas, including an odd roof-mounted spoiler. It’s awful, made more awful by how good the original is.
5. FSO Polonez
In the late 70s and early 80s Britain suffered an influx of automotive tat from Eastern Europe, of which the FSO Polonez was easily the worst. With a name that sounded like a treatment for hay fever and looks that appeared to come from the pen of a disillusioned 4 year old (in fact, it was Guigiaro), the FSO seemed purpose-designed to sap British morale as a precursor to some sort of invasion.